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Do you have any tips for staying connected with family members through a health crisis?

There’s nothing like a crisis to expose the weaknesses in any system—and that includes family communication systems.

With all the technological options available to us, you’d think we would have this down pat, yet often it’s not so easy. Families are made up of different people, each with their own preferences and varying degrees of comfort with one technology or another.

When my widowed mother had valve replacement surgery, most of her children and grandchildren were local, but others were out of state—and all wanted regular updates.

Our early attempts didn’t go so well: not enough information for some, and too much for others. Some liked funny side comments and emojis; others couldn’t stand the extra noise. It wasn’t going so well. For mom’s peace of mind and healthy recovery, we needed to get our act together and at least appear unified.

When I asked our friend Jaci, a nurse, for advice, she recalled her own family’s experience with a parent who had cancer: “The two of us with the most health care experience were the ‘point persons’ for contact with the health care system. We attended the appointments, listened to rounds at the hospital, and made the phone calls to the appropriate health care members. We then sent a group text or email after a contact to the group.” A sister who lived close to the parents and made regular visits fleshed out the picture with her own day-to-day observations via group text. “We used these two communication streams and official-yet-unofficial roles to keep each other updated and make sure our parents’ needs were met,” Jaci said.

I’d suggest an early conversation with family members to find out their preferred method of communication, settle on one, and then use it consistently. Decide early on who would take the communication lead, who would be included in the first level of communication, and who would get downstream updates.

Providing care takes enough time and energy. Do what you can to take the hassle of communicating with each other.